Hypocrites make me sick, and that's not easy to do.

http://www.silencingchristians.com/

NOTE: I have nothing against Christians; I am one myself. But when they abandon the bulk of the Bible to back up one point and use it to spread hate, it pisses me off.

Above is a link to a ridiculous, outrages video speaking out against pro-gay "propaganda." You know why people have been more accepting of gays in the past few decades? Well, it's because WE LIE!!! WE TRICKED YOU ALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the sort of thing this video is preaching. It is the epitome of senseless propaganda, the very thing it accuses us (being the gay community) of doing. They complain about being arrested at anti-gay "peace" rallies. Preaching hate and intolerance cannot lead to peace. If the KKK stood outside the church at a wedding between a black man and a white woman, screaming hateful things and holding signs calling the event an abomination, wouldn't you expect them to be arrested? It's "disturbing the peace" at the very least. They claim that the first amendment rights are being denied to Christians. Just because we enforce the same hate crimes onto the church as we do all groups doesn't mean that they don't have freedom of speech. We wouldn't allow anyone to broadcast hateful blather on public T.V., why should Christians be the exception?

Fifty years ago many people, including Christians, spoke out against equal rights for African Americans. I feel we may be heading in the same direction. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, and I don't mean to belittle or generalize the struggle and achievements of African Americans. In contrast, I wish to bring to light the seriousness of anti-gay movements. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being called an abomination! I hope I'm not alone in saying that I will stop at nothing until I am given the same rights as straight people and don't have to live in fear and secrecy, afraid that my orientation will prevent me from getting a job or being published, or even provoke an attack on me if I were to become too public with it.

I'M GAY! GET OVER IT!

Life and Stuff

Sometimes I wish I was 13 again and my life were as simple as it was then. As an adult, when you truly realize how big the world is and everything that's in it, it's exhilarating, but also frightening. It makes you question all that you believed in as a child. It's like everything that was once solid fact is now up to question, and you have to decide what you truly believe in and what beliefs you only followed because you were told to. Your whole world-perception gets scattered and thrown into the air, and what falls back to the ground is often not what it was before it was tossed. You have to rearrange everything. For instance, friendship is now one of my foremost priorities, and when I was younger it meant nothing, as I had very few friends. I used to think I was so jaded. Now I realize that I was never jaded, I was just pessimistic and hormonal. And now that there's so much more reason to feel jaded and depressed, and yet I love my life, even though sometimes it scares me shitless, and other times it pisses me off, and still other times it makes me quite sad. I love all of those things. It makes the good times seem even happier. When you take the time to face what sucks and what hurts and what's scary, it makes life altogether more enjoyable, knowing that bad things do happen, and being ready to deal with them, and making a point to remind yourself that life doesn't always sucks. It kind of takes the edge off, so when things do go wrong, at least you're not surprised by it, and it doesn't seem like such a big deal. It's just one of those bad things that happen. And when the good times roll around, they're made even more awesome by the fact that you know it won't last, because you make it a point to appreciate them so much more.

And now I don't wish I was 13 anymore.

How I Felt One Day

I wrote this as an email to a dear friend of mine. I feel it belongs here.

I find myself reflecting on my life and where I stand, and how it sucks to be so strange and how I would not have it any other way. I'm the youngest of all my cousins, and out of all 12 of us I'm the only gay one, as far as I know. As much as I accept that, I find it still bothers me a great deal, and I wish it didn't, but it does. Somehow I still find myself questioning my faith and whether or not I'm doing okay by God. I tell you this because for some reason I find I can tell the my more somber thoughts and you'll actually have something useful to say. At least that's why I think I tell you.

I was going through some boxes in my house and I came across a box containing all of my Grandmother's Funeral things. That's how I got into this state of mind. Oh how I would have loved to have been able to have just one meaningful conversation with her. But she died before I became mature enough to care, sadly. I was sixteen. I only discovered what a wise and understanding woman she was after she died. I hate that I had to realize that second-hand.

My family is very important to me. Despite how hard I try to live freely of anyone's approval or disapproval, I find myself caring very much what they think of me. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I hate living back at home. I feel tethered down. But I have to endure it long enough to get back into Grand Valley, where I can hopefully flourish. But I have doubts even if that would be the right move. I have no idea what I want my life to be like in the distant future, so it's hard to plan for it. All I know for sure is that I want to write. and I want to be loved.

Love. I'm pretty sure my two favorite things in this world are art and love. Friends and family fall under love. Art includes any and all forms of it. But perhaps "beauty" would be a better world. Today I found myself positively transfixed by the bare tree in my front yard. I was nearly brought to tears by its sheer beauty, and certainly a tree is not art. Yes, love and beauty. My two favorite things.

I feel a void in my life. I once hoped you could fill it but it was not to be. I don't know where to look for a lover (for lack of a better word). So I look on the interned. But I'm not like that. It isn't working. But I have no idea what to do about it. All I know is that I ache for someone to hold, to love and who would love me as well. Someone to share with my love, pain, affection, laughter, tears, and desire with. Do you know the feeling?

It's amazing how I can have so many dear, dear friends, as well as a close family, and yet feel so alone. Again I wonder if I'm doing right by God. Maybe I'm not, and that's why I'm lonely. But I don't know if that's how I really feel, or if that's how I think I'm supposed to feel. It's all very confusing, you know? I just wish I could know how I really feel. I do know I don't want anyone to tell me how I feel. But it would be nice if someone could show me how to sort out the voices in my head to figure out which one is mine.

Belaw. That noise seems to best describe how I'm feeling right now. Hmm.