Sunday, January 18, 2009

How I Felt One Day

I wrote this as an email to a dear friend of mine. I feel it belongs here.

I find myself reflecting on my life and where I stand, and how it sucks to be so strange and how I would not have it any other way. I'm the youngest of all my cousins, and out of all 12 of us I'm the only gay one, as far as I know. As much as I accept that, I find it still bothers me a great deal, and I wish it didn't, but it does. Somehow I still find myself questioning my faith and whether or not I'm doing okay by God. I tell you this because for some reason I find I can tell the my more somber thoughts and you'll actually have something useful to say. At least that's why I think I tell you.

I was going through some boxes in my house and I came across a box containing all of my Grandmother's Funeral things. That's how I got into this state of mind. Oh how I would have loved to have been able to have just one meaningful conversation with her. But she died before I became mature enough to care, sadly. I was sixteen. I only discovered what a wise and understanding woman she was after she died. I hate that I had to realize that second-hand.

My family is very important to me. Despite how hard I try to live freely of anyone's approval or disapproval, I find myself caring very much what they think of me. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I hate living back at home. I feel tethered down. But I have to endure it long enough to get back into Grand Valley, where I can hopefully flourish. But I have doubts even if that would be the right move. I have no idea what I want my life to be like in the distant future, so it's hard to plan for it. All I know for sure is that I want to write. and I want to be loved.

Love. I'm pretty sure my two favorite things in this world are art and love. Friends and family fall under love. Art includes any and all forms of it. But perhaps "beauty" would be a better world. Today I found myself positively transfixed by the bare tree in my front yard. I was nearly brought to tears by its sheer beauty, and certainly a tree is not art. Yes, love and beauty. My two favorite things.

I feel a void in my life. I once hoped you could fill it but it was not to be. I don't know where to look for a lover (for lack of a better word). So I look on the interned. But I'm not like that. It isn't working. But I have no idea what to do about it. All I know is that I ache for someone to hold, to love and who would love me as well. Someone to share with my love, pain, affection, laughter, tears, and desire with. Do you know the feeling?

It's amazing how I can have so many dear, dear friends, as well as a close family, and yet feel so alone. Again I wonder if I'm doing right by God. Maybe I'm not, and that's why I'm lonely. But I don't know if that's how I really feel, or if that's how I think I'm supposed to feel. It's all very confusing, you know? I just wish I could know how I really feel. I do know I don't want anyone to tell me how I feel. But it would be nice if someone could show me how to sort out the voices in my head to figure out which one is mine.

Belaw. That noise seems to best describe how I'm feeling right now. Hmm.

1 comment:

houndtoothalice said...

Family's a huge thing for me, too. I'm not the only crazy one, but I am the only gay/bi (even I don't know what to label myself) one that we know of; and I'm sure as hell the only poly one.

Luckily for me, my family's really accepting. I dunno where I'd be if they weren't.

But yeah. I have tons of friends, too, but that just doesn't compare to being wanted by someone romantically. It's a pretty messed-up feeling to be alone in a crowd, but that's how it feels.

And school. Let's just tl;dr this to save us both the trouble:

I hear you, man.

~Chelsea